Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Randomize
