After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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