I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
