just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
