It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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