afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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