I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
