ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
