We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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