What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
