Having a random hookup so left but love u
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm like, not good at living.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
