On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
