i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
