Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
