I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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