There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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