you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
