A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
