I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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