I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
