You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
