He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
