Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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