My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
