Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
