there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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