I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
