I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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