Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
