eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
