Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
