my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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