Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize