my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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