if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
