Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
