On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
