question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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