The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
