I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
