i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
