I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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