Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
