you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
