Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My dad is sitting where you rode me
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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