I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
