I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
