you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
