This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
