Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
