he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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