made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
