dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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