Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
