wanna go halves on a baby?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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