Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Be still, my beating vagina.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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