'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
