Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
