WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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