I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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