the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
