i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
