I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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