I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
